bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
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contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left