ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
You Might Also Like
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy