”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
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Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY