me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
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Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
WHY?!
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no