I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
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[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
first you must answer his riddles
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.