Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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I have obtained a hat
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting