They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
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I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
*limbos under the caution tape
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I was up all night reading about insomnia
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.