The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
How it started: How it’s going:
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
“our sushi is very fresh”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
What personal space?
My dog
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.