[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
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If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
yea so i messed up lol
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Eat…
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.