Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
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I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I have so many questions.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi