Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
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him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.