ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
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This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.