me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
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nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door