Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
You Might Also Like
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
forgive me baja for i have blast
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂