WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
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*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
what’s really going on
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.