Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
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if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
The best shot in the history of golf
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
This came to me in a dream.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!