Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
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As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?