The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
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HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive