Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
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My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
groan^2