Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
What kind of a cult is this?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?