Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
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Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.