My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
New Tinder profile.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.