gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
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It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”