I can’t stop watching this.
You Might Also Like
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.