Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
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ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet