Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
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HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH