its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
In banana years, I am bread.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Cheer up.
repaired
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.