Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
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Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids