It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
kids play hide and seek like
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Just why bro?!
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.