Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
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Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram