Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball š
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*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) Iād just be like, āGo stand in the corner. Do it!!ā then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
He-man has a Masters degree
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Everybody want to be a gangsta till itās time to go to jail.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Justā¦ dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
God has left this place
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
āEither shave your legs or kiss meā
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didnāt want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. š