Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
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some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
If you need a laugh.. 😅
This raises questions
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Match dot com, but for socks.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
That’s amazing.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.