When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
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I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
🙁
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.