Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
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Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Accurate
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
BETRAYAL
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.