What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
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Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.