Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
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TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
this could fix me
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?