Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
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I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
LOOOOOOL
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun