I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
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Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u