I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
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A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.