the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter