“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
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Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.