THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
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[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
how to have an accident 101
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!