Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
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I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort