kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
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Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11