My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
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I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
*seductively eats two tums*
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick