Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
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It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
translated into Canadian
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.