I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…