We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
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only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part