I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
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ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I’m crying im so happy for them
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL