[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
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Unionize your workplace
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
😂😂😂
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters